Thinking

So I have been doing a lot of thinking lately, (I know never a good thing!) Mainly just about life in general. The big things, and more importantly the little things. This may get long but I need to get things out before I forget.

As we near the new year, I feel like I am standing on the verge of a new life.  Looking in the mirror I am actually proud of the woman who stares back at me. I am starting to see someone who is confident, determined and strong. I don't see the extra rolls, the bags under my eyes from lack of sleep or in yesterday's clothes. I feel like I have a long way to go, but the feeling of freedom and confidence is undeniable. I want to bask in it, and never ever let it go again.

On the same trend, I have come to the conclusion of I don't want a boring life, not when there is so much more out there. Why settle and give up on my dreams just because I am married and have kids. In fact, I think that is even more reason to continue to reach for my goals. I want to leave my mark on the world, even if it is just on my children. I don't want them to ever look at me and say "I can't do it because mom couldn't do it." Life truly is what you make it. Sweat and tears are worth it. And there is no reason on earth I can't live an extraordinary life. It may not be easy, but it isn't impossible. I have people in my life whom I love, but can't help but feel they have given up or just don't care. They are ok with the same old same old life they have always lead. But there is more. So much more. And I finally feel like I am living it, or at least starting too.

And finally I have been thinking a lot about love. The love of a mother for her children, the love for my husband, the love of myself and the love of God. And somehow they all kind of come together in my head.

I can not imagine living without my kids. My heart just aches thinking about them packing up, heading off to college (or kindergarten) and starting a life all of their own. How could I imagine not loving these amazing little people. They are so full of love and laughter. I am a greater person for having them in my life and they have already taught me so much.

Then there is my husband. My amazing wonderful partner. I am so amazed how much he loves me, through everything. Depression, Infertility, Bed Rest, Diabetes, Losing weight, gaining weight, happy, sad. through sickness and health. I can not imagine living this life without anyone else. I still get chills when he looks at me, go weak in the knees when he kisses me. I am so, so lucky.

And Finally there is the love of God. I stand in awe of his love and grace. I know I wondered far from him, but this past year has taught me that his grace is sufficient even for me. I am not perfect, but I am his. Since having my children I truly grasp the concept of Jesus's sacrifice. I can't imagine giving up Drew for anything. What amazing love to have your son that you love die a terrible, horrific death for a bunch of people who may not even appreciate it. It seems like such a terrible waste. And yet God loved ME enough that he did it. Now that is true love. Just imagine watching your child die, because you love other's more. Blows me away. Humbles me. And I never fully grasped it until I loved these three people with all my being. God's love for me is greater than my love for my husband, greater than my love for my children. This time of year everyone is thinking about the birth of Christ, amazing as it is, think about the love and redemption at the cross. Always the cross.