I just want to say...

...I have a lot on my mind and I am not even sure where to start.

I am struggling tonight. Not going to lie, getting on here and seeing one less reader hurts, even though I have no clue who it was or why. It always feels like a slap in the face when someone doesn't want to be apart of your life in what ever aspect that is. Which leads me right into my next thought.

This week it became glaringly clear that someone really dislikes me. I am still not entirely sure who it is, but it hurts. Not only did they say something awful about me, they took a private picture of mine and used it for their mean, catty, and passive aggressive bulling. Thank God for a friend who saw it and told me right away, or I would have never known. But this is making me rethink a lot of things. Like who in on my "friends" list I can really trust, who is getting a private look into my life. What did I do that was so terrible to someone that they feel it would be ok to say I am "white trash". And how sad and small their life most really be. Still, it hurts. A lot. So if you are still reading this, I am sorry. Not about what you said, sticks and stones, but that you feel the need to belittle people in secret, that I hurt you somehow, that you are a sad small person who thinks stealing pictures is ok. Truly, I am sorry.

I have also been told in the past month or two that my house is dirty and I don't feed my kids. Things like this will bury into your brain, eat at me until I am so worked up  I question everything i do. I know that is letting them win, but it brings so many feeling of my life in Baker City to the surface. I was so depressed, I truly didn't care. I can't even look at pictures from then. It makes me sick. I was sick. And I suffered in silence and didn't know exactly how sick I was. I have worked so hard to make my self, my life, my house healthy. But these little things really are hard for me to hear. It's like when people call me fat.

Which leads me to my next thought, my weight loss. I still feel like I am a size 20. Not a size 12. Does it ever get better? Or will I also be a "fat girl" on the inside? Don't get me wrong, i like watching my body change, fitting into clothes I haven't been able to wear in years, and having to search racks because everyone wears my size. I just don't feel like this is "me" yet. I don't know. Nayt says I look great, all I see is me fat. It's frustrating.

And finally love Man I had a "Well duh" moment today. With everything that happens this week, I haven't been very loving. In fact, I have been down right grouchy. With Nayt, with my kids, with people around me. That is not what God wants. In fact he tells us to turn the other cheek, to love our neighbors and to be kind to those who would do harm to us. Not an easy lesson. It really took reading a post from Courtney Roth, who lost her sweet little boy last month, that floored me. I know she will never ever see this, but thank you. I needed that today.

So in conclusion, Forgive, Move on, and always, love.