We were gone all weekend for my cousin's wedding, it was beautiful. She made the perfect bride, and the weekend was so full of love and romance and drinking. Nayt and I would slow dance and he would hold me close and whisper that he loves me so much. Going to the wedding made me really serious about doing our big vow renewal for our 5th anniversery. We will do it. I don't care if people judge us, but I think we will actually have a wedding, with brides maids and everything. 3 years to go baby!! I want to try on wedding dresses, I want a day to be all about Nayt and I, no one else. I want to be a bride, even if I am a wife first. Why do we have to do everything half assed backwards? I want to be a princess for a day. Just one day. And we will do it. Plain and simple.
Nayt's job is driving me crazy. We know that we are moving in the next 6 months, but we have no clue where too. I didn't know I was such a planner until things are taken out of my control. I want to know where we will be, I want to find us a nice new house, I want to know what exactly we will need to put down. Are we renting? Buying? Can we afford to finally buy? Is it worth it because we will only be there for a few year...
Where is this year going? For real. How can Stacy already be 18 weeks pregnant. If I hadn't have lost the baby in April, we would be finding out if it was a boy or a girl, I would be showing and feeling him or her move. We would be planning on how to fit them both in Drew's room. But instead we are still trying to get pregnant. How is it possible that it has been almost a year since my last birthcontrol pill? Can it be possible that someone who started trying when we did already is holding her son?
Why is Drew growing so fast. Someone needs to hit the pause, because he is running and talking and growing so fast. He is more boy then baby. I love him so much, and I can not bare the thought of him growing up. When I was at the wedding, he had fallen asleep on me when Colby danced with his mom, and I just sobbed, knowing one day that will be MY baby boy out there, it will be my son I will have to let go and become a man. If my first year with him has been so fast, how long until he will be going to 1st grade? Running homeruns? Packing for college? Telling me he is getting married?? I choke up just thinking about it. He is and will forever be, my sweet bug.
We are starting Clomid in October, and the reality that we could be having another baby soon is so exciting. But lately I have been so blue about it that I am not expecting it to work. Why is life so unfair? It seriously makes me question things I shouldn't be. How can someone who will be a wonderful mother, who wants a baby so bad not get one? Even after spending hundreds of dollars tears and drug only get a BFN? Why should someone who tried and prayed for a baby have a miss carriage? And yet a drug user who has had CPS called more then once gets knocked up with her 3rd baby in as many years?? I just don't get what God is doing. Why would he do that?
Next week is my birthday, and I am so ready to not be this age. I had it. SIF doesn't care about age, why should others. It effects me as much as it does someone who is 25, 30, 35... So what I am young, my desire to have another baby isn't effected by my age. I want my children close, why shouldn't I? Am I not allowed to feel to sorrow of a new cycle because I am not some magical age?
And this month is my last shot for 2 under 2. I am waving it good bye, and it is not easy.
Didnt know you had a M/C sorry to hear.
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