That A word.

I thought I would describe Drew with words like "amazing", "awesome", and "All boy." Not Autistic. It just isn't one of the words that pop into your head when you are holding your sweet baby boy. And I don't think there is anything to prepare you for it.

I have gone through a gauntlet of emotions in the past 24 hours. Yesterday morning our speech pathologist wanted to give my a heads up that they are throwing the dx around, and finally labeling Drew in hopes that it will open doors for more help for him.

They are talking about diagnosing Drew with PDD-POS, or Atypical Autism. Basically he shows enough signs of being autistic to be in the spectrum, not enough to fall into on of the other 4 categories. It is the like the official "Catch all" for kids who are not totally normal but not totally autistic as well. It doesn't mean he IS autistic just within the spectrum. It is very confusing. Our therapist doesn't agree but feels that if the label gets him the help he needs, we will qualify for social security for him, go with it than fight like hell to prove them wrong. 2 1/2 is an early dx, so who knows. I do know in the reading I have done so far, it does fit, at least as well as a "label" can.

We also think he has some sensory issues and he feels like he is just "floating" and isn't grounded. Which isn't to be confused with ADD/ ADHD though that may manifest in the future along with reading/writing issues. We are doing a lot of "heavy work" and using the same sort of sensory play you would with an autistic kid.

I am just having a hard time wrapping my head around it all. I feel sad. I just want to go back to when I thought he was totally perfect. Not that he isn't, but hearing the word "autistic" is hard to swallow. And it is SO hard to not feel like it is some how my fault. Like there should be something more I can do. Or I failed him in some way or another.

I think it is so hard because you want nothing more than for your child to have a normal childhood, do well in school, make friends and be well adjusted. It is things like this that you never think about when you are holding your perfect little baby. I just don't want to see Drew hurt or made fun of or struggle. And feeling powerless to stop it seriously breaks my heart. I know I told God that I would do what ever it takes to get him what he needs, I just had no idea that it would be something like this.

I have also felt angry. Angry at God. Angry at the world. Angry at my self. I have cried, screamed and just shut off. I am so tired of saying good bye to the plans I had. It's like as soon as I feel like things are finally going ok, God has to make a game changer plan. Do we ever get a break? Or is this just how life is? Why can't things be fair, easy or at least not so hard? I know in my weakness that is when God is stronger, but why at the expense of Drew? I can handle things wrong with me, pcos, diabetes, struggling to be healthy, bring it on. I don't know how I can handle seeing my son struggle in life. He is just going to have to prove how strong he is, because I can't be strong anymore.

Last night after Nayt got home I went to the gym and just ran until I could sort things out in my own head.I didn't let PCOS and Infertility beat me. I didn't get obesity win. I am fighting diabetes with all I have. Why would I let autism defeat me?

 I am now in major research mode and preparing myself to hear this as an official dx. If this is what it takes to get him the help he needs, so be it. It does not define who Drew is. He is the same boy he was two days ago. It doesn't change how we love him. It won't change how our life is, it will just change where this road will go.

It's one more journey I didn't think I would have to go on, but I feel like I am looking down that road. So if this is what it is, bring it on. I can do all things through God who strengthens me, right?!