Holding on...

My heart hurts today, I feel old. There is no way I feel like a 23 year old, I don't know what I feel like but it isn't a 23 year old. I feel worn down, run ragged and emotional bankrupt. I have been told my body is broken, watched my world fall down and rebuilt itself, and been To Holland. It's been a long two week, heck it's been a long year. I feel like a cliff worn down by the waves. I am still here, I am still strong, but I am worn down, with a few cracks. I am holding on to hope with all I have, like it's my life jacket.

This past week I found out my diabetes is starting to take a toll on other areas of my body, my blood sugars are ok, but my triglycerides are through the roof because my metabolism is extremely low; the numbers on my blood work show that my pancreas is starting to have a hard time processing insulin and sustaining me. I am only 23 and the thought of being on medication the rest of my life scares me. My doctor is giving me 6 months to lose weight, eat right and work out. If things look the same, its more meds for me.

Today, Drew was referred to the development specialist. After my previous post, I called my insurance and mental health (I hate that by the way.) it covered 100% so Nayt and I agreed it would be best to get an evaluation done. Looks like this will happen in November, which is a ways out, but it is their earliest opening. Any foreword motion feels better than sitting here wondering, but I am still scared. And heart sick about it all. I know we need help, he needs help. He has such terrible mood swings and it is heart breaking to watch him get so upset and be helpless to do anything about it.

And I feel like everything around me is breaking. My lap top crashed. My 50mm lens shattered. There is something else but at this point I am to tired to remember because Drew is back to not sleeping at night. (I was up 2 times with him last night alone.) But it all just feels like a lot right now.

My prayer lately has just been that God takes over. I am done. I can't handle anymore. Most of adult life was spent running, and running hard. I wanted nothing to do with God, church, any of it. Than he proved he was real and powerful and I was willing to slowly step back. Now all of this happens. It feels like God is trying to just teach me to trust him, and let go, because he will catch me. It's not easy. I am a fighter. If I want something I work for it until it happens. This is something I can't make happen. And I have to be ok with it. It's hard. It hurts.

And today something amazing has happened, verses have been randomly popping into my head! What a balm to my aching heart.

"For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

Jeremiah 29:11

God knows what he is doing with my life. I don't. But he has great plans for me, amazing plans for my sweet boy. He doesn't want to harm us, God is love. 

"Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the LORD your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.” 

Deuteronomy 31:6

I am not alone. I was never alone nor will I ever be. My God will not abandon me, especially when I am at my weakness. 

"Before I formed you in the womb I knew you..." 

Jeremiah 1:5 

God created Drew. He knew who he was before he was even born. He made him just for Nayt and I because he knew exactly what we could handle. He formed him into the special boy that he is. The beautiful heart, the creative spirit and as much as his stubborn and frustration make him a challenge at time, he has a strong personality. God made him all of that. If he is autistic, God knew that. If there is something else wrong with him, he knew that too. Just knowing that gives me peace. This isn't a mistake, it was something that God intended from the beginning. 

The LORD gives strength to his people; the LORD blesses his people with peace.

Psalm 29:11

I am not ok, but that is alright. I am resting in the peace that only the God who can move mountains can give. I can't imagine this without my God. 

Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love. 

1 John 4:8

Once again this is the lesson I am learning this year. My God is love, not just wrath, fear or judgement. It doesn't mean he doesn't give you challenges, but even with the trials his love never fades. All he wants is to bear your burden with you and for you. I am not alone, because my God is here, and my God is love. 

That is all I need to know right now. I don't understand and my heart is aching, but it will all be alright, and one day I will be stronger because of this year.