Poring my heart out

I am trying something new, mainly in an attempt to connect with other families going through what we are with Drew and in the process I found Pour your heart out on things I can't say. I have to admit, I love this idea. And it seems fitting for tonight.

I want to talk about "the stare". Maybe you know what I am talking about, either because you have given it or because you have received it. Either way, it is that stare you get when you are out in public, the stare that is the judge and jury. The look that says "why don't they just give that kid a spanking?" or "What is WRONG with them?!" that stare. I have become a collector of "the stare".

One of my worst traits is that I care about what people think of me. I care about people judging me, my family and my choices. I worry that I am "that mom". I know some of it stems from growing up and how I felt I had to always be perfect because that was what was expected, some of it is that I feel like I am still making up from being a craptastic young mom struggling with depression and some of it is that I am a people please-er by nature. What ever the under lying cause is, the thought of other people judging me and more importantly Drew really upsets me and I can't seem to get over it. Nayt is really good about not caring which I respect so much, but I just can't let it go.

The past weekend I came face to face with my issue of being judged and "the stare". We are open with the problems with Drew but we also don't go about declaring it to every single person we see. It's none of their business and we don't want him to be treated any different that anyone else.  I have no regrets about this choice. However, I do wish sometimes I had a t-shirt that said 'please show us some sympathy.' I would have brought it to the bbq.

Drew loves being outside. Adores it actually. He loved to run around and play in the dirt. Unfortunately, he doesn't do well with crowds (how many kids with spd does?!) and when there are big groups he goes a bit ape shit. Running into people, throwing fits, yelling, dumping things, the whole I-need-to-live-in-the-zoo nine yards. It wouldn't be a big deal if 1, I wasn't trying to wrangle with now mobile little sister, or 2, this one lady who is always there wasn't such a over baring control freak who hates me perfectionist. it isn't even her house but if my curious kid wonders over to the garden to look at the plant makers, she freaks out and yells. Or he walked into the flower bed with the roses, I get told my son is out of control. Or my accident prone son sends his red solo cup flying all over the porch I get the stare. It makes me want to scream. Drew knocks over a kid because he is little tank, I hear the whispers "why doesn't she DO something." I tell drew to please please keep your shoes on (he hates his shoes) and he throws a massive head banging fit, and get told that my kid needs a good spanking.

I hate it. I feel judged. Misunderstood, and like my sweet baby boy is a freak. I hate it. It makes me mad. It makes me want to curl into a ball and cry. and it makes me ask why?! Why does this have to be so hard? why can't my kid handle things like a normal kid? and more importantly, why the heck do I care so much?!

This also makes me wonder how many people have I judged based on their child that they may not have had any control over? I know from experienced that I did not ask for this. This isn't FUN. or my FAULT. I have ZERO CONTROL over how my son handles what is going on. So why do people act like it is? That this is what we want, . because it isn't. I would love to be able to go out to dinner and not have bride him to not play with his food or bug the people behind us. I would like to know how it is to shop without a major fit. This isn't what I asked for. I live it and I love it because this is my life, but I hate it when we are treated like this is what we do on purpose. I adore my son, but I am the first to admit that he isn't an easy kid. But he is my kid and I love him. but please, keep your stares and judgements to yourself. We are all fighting a different battle, so show a little empathy and next time you see a frazzled mom struggling with a screaming kid, shoot her a smile instead of a stare. It goes a long way. trust me.



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