Self Worth

This year has already been marked with a lot of ups and downs, and I am personally struggling with a lot of it. Things that I have never really struggled with on a deeply personal level. I am struggling with my self worth.

I am certain this is a problem everyone struggles with at one time or another, and it is hitting me full force in regards to being a stay at home mom. I KNOW that what I do on a daily bases counts, but at the moment it is hard to see it. I KNOW that I am making a forever impact on my babies and while I wouldn't trade it for the world right now, I am slowly sinking into a trap that I am nothing more than a house keeper, cook, diaper changer and mom. And with this trap, I am afraid that everything I am doing to better myself as a person won't matter and I won't be able to ever find a job outside of the home besides flipping burgers at McDonalads.

I hope know this isn't true but it is hard to believe it right now.

I was 20 when I stopped working to be a stay at home mom. It's been almost 5 years since I held a "real" job. My skills involve: helping rich people find clothes for vacations, running a Wal-Mart picture studio, selling diamonds, fitting boots and making slushies'. Granted, 2 of those I was in a supervisor/manager position. Oh, I am a certified phlebotomist (but have never worked as one), have CNA training (never tested), been a mommy for almost 4 years (unpaid), and in my junior year of Health Care Administration program with no nursing experience. Right now I feel my hire-ability is zip, nada, none.

I am looking for a part time night job (health care/dispatch/anything not fast food or a gas station) I even had 2 interviews. But because I am not actively working they turned me down.

It is these moments I envy working moms. As a stay at home mom I feel I have lost what ever amount of edge I have might have had.

Or maybe I am just trashy and should just get a basic minimum wage job befitting the fact that I have no college degree (yet) and should just be happy with it. My heart tells me I am not worth anything more, my head loudly screams otherwise. It is hard to not see myself as anything more than a mom with saggy boobs, a fat face and a ugly tummy. I know I am more than that, but I don't feel it.

I feel worth less.

I KNOW this is the devil trying to get to me. I KNOW that God has created me wonderfully, a smart, cheerful and hard working person but I know FEEL it these days. How do you get your head to match your heart?!

I love being a mom, I love that I get to stay home, I love my life. I just wish I felt like I help value to anyone other than my kids. It sucks.