I am lucky that my parents exposed me to the truth of the Bible at a young age. My whole entire childhood revolved around church and while I'd personally never go back to that church it created a solid foundation for my faith. I have never once questioned my salvation, though others questioned it for me. I did however question who God was. I knew all the Biblical answers:
(Numbers 23:19 NIV) God is not a man, that he should lie, nor a son of man, that he should change his mind. Does he speak and then not act? Does he promise and not fulfill?
(Deuteronomy 10:17 NIV) For the LORD your God is God of gods and Lord of lords, the great God, mighty and awesome, who shows no partiality and accepts no bribes.
(Rev 1:8 NIV) "I am the Alpha and the Omega," says the Lord God, "who is, and who was, and who is to come, the Almighty."
But I truly didn't KNOW who he was in a personal, real way in relationship to me. I can not help wonder about why some kids go on to bible college, become preachers and never leave church while other "Godly" kids stray from church, turn away from the teaching we grew up with and have to learn lessons the hard way. Flipping through old memories and logging onto facebook are clear reminders that God has pulled a solid youth group in many different ways, and thankfully many of us are once again on a path that honors God, even if it isn't within the same church setting we grew up with. And I know that our youth group wasn't the only one to see this happen.
I only have my experience to pull from, so allow me to be very clear and honest about my faith.
At 17 I was the very model of humble faith. I wanted to serve God on the mission field, was planning on attending bible college and had zero doubts about God's plan for my life. At 19, no one would have recognized me. I was a bitter, hold hearted, and selfish young woman who wasn't just angry at my parents, I was angry at God. (Its a miracle Naythan fell in love with me!) Events out of my control leading up to my 18th birthday left me raw, hurting and angry. I felt like God no longer cared about me, no one would ever love me, and that clearly I knew more about what I wanted than God did. I was sure that he made a mistake and the only way to be happy and get what I want was to get it myself. Between September and December of 2006 I was still forced to go to church, however my heart was no longer in it. It seemed empty and foolish to me. I was certain I was wiser than anyone else around me, and I had to prove that I was right.
So I turned my back on God. I wasn't foolish enough to deny his existence or that Jesus wasn't the way to heaven, but I chose to pick and choose what I believed, I also chose to deny that he wanted a relationship with me. Faith just became a "get out of jail free card." I knew I was a born again believe, I just didn't want to live like one. Because I KNEW that as long as I was living a life for myself, sleeping around and drinking every weekend God had no place in my life. So I boxed my faith up in a tiny corner of my heart, tried to forget everything I learned in 19 years, and just lived a life void.
My parents tried everything to get me to turn back to the faith of my childhood. Counseling, threats, forced moments at church, more counseling. I was told I was going to hell. I was told I wasn't welcome to communion, I was used as an example of what NOT to do by a previous pastor (who also counseled me). To try and make my parents happy I tried to pretend. I tried to be good. I did try. But I felt like a stranger looking in on a cult, not a member of a church. It honestly seemed sacrilegious to me. I couldn't handle it. My world was void of color, and it was like being trapped in a black and white movie.
I also didn't count on the damage that came with living a life void of God. I didn't count on the destruction within my family, the hurt I'd cause my parents or the almost irreversible damage on my siblings. I didn't know the walls I'd build between relationships with my extended family who willingly welcomed me into their homes, or that I would break promises, hurt innocent people, and teach my sister to not trust someone. I didn't realize the damage I'd cause myself. I didn't know that life without God was no life at all. I didn't count on what it would take for me to fall to my knees, broken and seeking my saviors face.
In this time God used some amazing women in my life to slowly melt my stone heart to his love. Shelley and Rachael may never know what they did for me, but I will forever be grateful for these two amazing, Godly women who showed me that being a Christian woman isn't about judgment, harshness or being "uncool". God knew what I needed to soften my heart, and it was them.
If I am being completely honest, what brought me to my knees was something I never expected. It took my marriage on the rocks, a deep dark depression, being diagnoses with diabetes at 20, infertility, and a broken heart. I was ready to leave my husband, I neglected my child, and I simply knew that my life was not what God intended. There was no more joy in my life. Music had lost its melody, the world was gray, and I was completely dead inside. It was a dark and dreary place indeed.
This broken heart was what it took for me to plead with God. I begged to know his power, to know he was real and not a figment of a past childhood. He proved he was very much real in a way that is a constant, and like Hannah in the Bible I have a child I truly prayed for. In his powerful wisdom, I have been blessed with the brightest, prettiest and special girl who is my constant reminder that God IS REAL. I was told I would never have a kid without medical help, and with in days of praying for God to show he is real, I was staring at two pink lines. It was the sign I needed. I get to hold a miracle every single day.
And I repented. I begged for mercy, for cleansing and for faith to trust him again.
It was like floodgates opened up and I was washed in Jesus's love. It was like seeing an old friend. We cried over missed opportunities, we mourned lost years, he healed my broken heart, we mended broken relationships. There was peace again. Color flooded my life, and joy was again in my heart. I felt the holy spirit surround me. I truly got to experience God, which swept away any cobwebs of doubt. My sin was washed away, I was made new.
Because I know what my life is like without God, I can truly say I wouldn't live with him in my life again. It isn't worth it. To me, he is REAL. he is POWERFUL, and he is very much alive. This faith, the knowing he is real makes it easy to handle some of the challenges he brings. I still don't understand why Drew was the special needs that he does, but I know that God has a plan and it makes it a bit better. And on days when it is really bad, I have faith that I can do all things through Christ. I also trust that my God is love, and on certain days when I am completely worn out, totally broken and at my wits end I know my God is good and it is what keeps me going.
Because I KNOW that my Lord is real, when he says move I can blindly trust that he is going to provide above and beyond my expectations. I have clear trust that we are living in his will which gives me a peace that passes all understanding. I have never felt as alive and spiritually strong as I do right now.
Because I know God life is not without hardships but I have faith to trust it is ok. I am by no means a perfect Christian but I am striving to be more like my God each day.
Would I be at these point in my faith if I would have stayed in Phoenix, gone to bible college and stayed steady? Possibly yes. But because I know what my life is like void of God I never have to wonder again. I know it is not worth it. I know that "faith" does not equal "Church". I have experienced I would never have gotten and thanks to that my faith is different that anyone else's. And in that small way I am incredibly blessed.
I am lucky and blessed to be here today, stronger, bolder and maybe just a bit wiser by the grace of God.
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