I am Failing at this whole Mom thing...

I am really struggling this morning. I am tired. I am worn out. I am humbled. Being a mom is tough and my mom made (and continues to make) it look so easy. Her friends made it look easy. Pinterest makes it look easy. The people around me make it look easy and I continue to feel like I fail. I don't do all the cute activities with my kids that you see everyone else doing, I have great intentions but they fall flat. I don't make extravagant parties, adorable food, or take them to music class. I can barely keep up with them without doing that.

Naythan has been gone for two very long weeks. I miss him. I miss having him as my partner in parenting. I often complain that he doesn't do enough, but you know what, he does. Clearly it takes him being 1000 miles away to realize it. (I have no idea how single or military or moms without the partner there do it! Y'all have my deepest respect!) I am exhausted. I am grouchy. I am ready for a break without feeling guilty about it.

It all came to a head this morning around 3am when Drew woke up his sister and they wanted to play. Since Nayt left 2 Saturdays ago, I have only slept past 5am once. I kind of lost it. Crying, yelling, pleading. I couldn't even think straight. Pretty sure I threatened no trick or treating if they didn't go back down.  All I knew is that I  needed sleep. I needed rest. I needed them to rest. I needed help. My mom heard that mess, and swooped in and took over. (hello guilt) and instant quiet in their room (hello more guilt). I cried myself back to sleep.
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My kids listen to everyone else better than to me. they listen so well for my parents, my sister will be a world class fun mom. My friend is a super mom with all sorts of fun play dates, classes and greatness. I pretty much suck at this mommy gig. I love them, I love being a stay at home mom. I love being a mommy, but it doesn't mean I have to be great at it. It's really not fair to them, but I will keep mucking through it regardless of the fact that I suck at it because I know it is worth it.

I just feel bad for them. They are stuck with a over tired, grouchy, worn out no fun zombie mom. Not the happy, bubbling, dancing, playing, crafty mom I got so lucky to grow up with. I try. Lord knows I try.

But even through I KNOW I suck at this mom thing, my kids don't know it. They love me for all my faults and continue to love me. To them, the sad crying mom at 2 am is nothing compared to the mom who will play hot wheels for hours or dance to music in the kitchen. Or at least I hope so.

I try to be that mom. They one who is fun. I love them and I want them to be happy. I want them to grow. I want them to turn into successful humans one day. I want them to be smart, kind, caring and reach their dreams. I just love them.

I guess even though I may suck at the mommy thing and I will NEVER be one of those awesome Kelle Hampton moms, I love my kids. I know at the end of the day that is what counts. It just doesn't feel like it today...