Being a mom is lonely

It is truly amazing how even though you are never alone, you can feel so very lonely.

I think every mom feels this way. Being a mom is taxing. You give, give, give of yourself to the point you forget where you begin and your kid ends. Everyone demands something of you. Your kids demand your attention, your time and your energy. You husband demands some attention and TLC, jobs demand time and energy. Let's not forget that you are a taxi, a counselor, a therapist, a chef, a referee, a teacher, a friend and thousands of other things often within moments of each other. It's a hard job.

But loneliness has been by far the hardest for me. And I am sure not all moms are lonely. But I am, and if I am, I can only imagine other moms are too. We move around a lot, most of those spots are far away from family. It's so much harder to make friends now than it was when I was growing up. It is so hard to be the "new mom" ever other year; The one trying to break into an already established tight knit group of women. Its awkward. And even when you do meet an awesome mom that you click with, trying to arrange schedules can be a night mare! And while being a working mom comes with its own set of challenges, at least adult interaction is built in to working. Being at home all day with little ones is isolating. I kid you not, I could go days without seeing another adult other than my husband.

I have always been the extrovert. The girl who had a friend in each cliché in high school. I lived on hanging out, interactions, and I never ever stayed home on the weekends. No one told me when I was a 20 year old newlywed expecting my first kid that being a stay at home mom would be lonely, that I would live and sleep on the demands of a schedule or that I would be so busy and yet do nothing all day. Then we moved to a tiny town no one has ever heard of. There was no mommy and me class, no kindermusik, no little gym, no MOPS even. I became a hermit, with a few visits to a friend I met via Myspace (yes, myspace!) every few months. But I still felt lonely.

So I turned to online for connection to other moms. I got hooked on interacting to other women on websites like thebump.com . I got a form of interaction through it that I craved. Then, when I was at my lowest in our trying to get pregnant I found the chat function. I soon was spending all day talking online to my new friends. Then a group of us got really close, and decided to create our own little place to talk. This lead to deeper friendships. Facebook friends requests and even phone numbers were exchanged. These women were there through all my troubles with Alynn's pregnancy, the roller coaster of our journey with Drew. They became almost a secret sisterhood. But, with all good things there came the bad.

I will be the first to admit I got to caught up in it. I may have shared more than I should. Then there were the falling outs. It seemed that besides a few truly close friendships I gained, most were superficial. I truly believe that these ladies were what I needed at the time, but as I no longer needed them things came to an end. Some ends were more natural than others. The latest came at a deep and painful cost that I am still not healed from. The end came like a train wreck, a blaze of unneeded drama at my own big fat mouth.

It has been painful to learn how very little I count in the great ripple of the online world. Within days one group went on as normal, the other group never even noticed I was gone. Possibly I was pulling away for a while, but it still cuts deep. These women were my friends.

So I am once again lonely.

Around here, people just are not friendly. We have been here for 9 months, I even went to the same church for 6 months every single Sunday and not a single person reached out. I think I am at the point I can admit I don't know how to make friends, that or I am just unfriend able. I like to think it is just that I don't know how to break past the, "Hi, I am Heather", barrier. Everyone around me is busy, has friendships, and moves on. I feel at times I am standing still in a flood of people. That the effort to reach out and make a friendship isn't even worth the energy. I miss my friends in Weiser, at least there I had a sense of community and friends I could count on.

So I am trying to be content in this chapter of lonely. It won't last forever. I cling to the few friends I talk to on the phone. I get possessive of Naythan. I read my bible and find peace. I scroll through facebook because it makes me feel connected to a world beyond this messy house. I do my homework.  But at the end of a long day and before Nayt is home, I still have a piece of my heart that whispers that I am lonely.

So, to all the moms out there who's weary heart whispers the same message, regardless of who you are, you are not alone. I promise. You are loved. You are special. And you are not alone in your loneliness.