I am a survivor

I can't seem to fight the over whelming urge to write about this. It started when I read something online about women coming foreword. Maybe that is what spurred it. Maybe that is why I can't get it out of my head. I have written and rewritten this for days now and I still can't seem to push the "publish" button and I can't fully figure out why. Is it that I am scared to share when I have been brutally honest about everything else? Am I afraid of what my close friends and family will think? Am I afraid that is will change how people view me? I am not sure. So this continues to sit in my saved box.

I have debated on writing this. I have been torn on doing it for a long time. Why bring up the past? I am a happily married mom of two. My husband, who knows my past, has been amazing and I am no longer that girl I was when we met or got married. We have worked through the issues. I am healthy now. But it wasn’t all that long ago I wasn’t, and if my story can help just one woman, it is worth is.

 

This is hard to write about and I know that it isn't even close to what millions of women endure. I am not trying to victimize myself. I am not trying to make it worst than it was. I am just being honest. Just being me.

I was 18. He was 21. I was naïve and he was convincing. My parents hated him from the moment they met him, but being “an adult” I thought I knew better. I thought it was love. I thought I was going to marry him. So I gave him everything, because he talked me into it. He told me he was going to marry me so it made it ok.  I turned off the little voice in my head that whispered “run” because he told me if I ever left him he would kill me and then himself. For months he controlled my every move, often leaving me in tears and then he would kiss me and say he was sorry. I deserved better. He would do better. I gave in. Over and over again for months.

December 9^th, 2006 will be a night that will forever be in my head. It was the night when I refused him something but  he did it anyways because he said “he knew what I wanted better than I did.”  I sat in my car stunned before heading home. The same night my parents found me leaving his apartment and told me to choose: Dump him or move away. Because I was stubborn and caught so deep in his trap I fought with them and less than 24 hours later I was on a plane to Oregon, still in pain from how he assaulted me but I was too afraid to tell anyone. I cried the entire flight from Phoenix to Portland.  I thought I deserved it, the heart ache, the pain, everything. I still didn’t see the abuse in the situation.

I continued the relationship at a distance for almost a year. Every night was the same, he would tell me about the girls he flirted with, told me I was worthless, ugly, fat, that I was lucky to have him  then the next moment he would say that he was nothing without me and if I tried to break up with him he would find me. He convinced me to open a joint-bank account with him where he proceed to give me a set budget that barely met my needs and stole the rest of my money. All in all I think I lost close to $8,000 to him. He would refuse to talk to me if I went out with friends. He would be mad if I talked about my family. He controlled me, even being 1300 miles apart.

When I would tell him that this was too hard, there was always something why I couldn’t break up with him. His mom had cancer. He was sick. He was depressed. He'd kill me or himself.  He NEEDED me.

It was physically exhausting. I went from a curvy size 14 to almost a size 8 in a few months. I couldn’t eat. It was emotionally exhausting. I was depressed and more than once thought about taking my own life because it was easier than living like this. My relationships were ruined and took years to rebuild. I was broke. Spiritually I was exhausted having been brow beaten by numerous pastors about not honoring my parents and living a life of sin. On the outside I told everyone I was in love, I was happy, but deep down I knew it was too hard. This wasn’t right. But I never, ever spoke up. I didn’t think anyone would listen and I didn’t know how to remove myself from the situation at this point. Plus I really wanted to prove people wrong. So I put up with it. For over a year I allowed him to abuse me. Mentally and verbally, and if we would have been in the same place I am sure it would have been both physically and sexually as well.

It all ended the night I met my husband.

For weeks I got threatening emails from my abuser. He threatened to kill the new guy I was with. Threatened to hunt me down. Threatened to kill himself. We debated on going to the police but I couldn’t do it. I changed my number, emptied my bank account than froze it. Blocked him from all social media accounts and filed a restraining order.

It took me years to realize I was abused. It took even longer to realize I was raped on the night of December 6^th, 2006. No means no. For the longest time I thought the “rape” was only for girls who were jumped by a stranger in a dark alley. But that’s not the case. More often than not rape comes from boyfriends or spouses. It doesn’t matter that you are in a relationship. Being forced to do something you are not comfortable with and saying no to is rape. Plain and simple. The day I realized that was enlightening. It is still hard to share my story. I still feel like some of it is on me. But it isn’t. I was manipulated the whole relationship. He used me. I am a rape and abuse survivor.

That’s hard to say.
 

My husband is my hero. He showed me what real love looked and felt like. It wasn’t hard the way it was before. When I said I wasn’t ready for something, he stopped on the spot. We talked through issues. I was able to grow because he just loved me. He didn’t want anything from me. That is what a healthy relationship is. Through his love, and the over abundant grace of God I was able to move on.

I still have nightmares about my abuser though, and it’s been over 6 years. I can’t smell certain colognes without having flash backs to him. I can’t hear certain voices, listen to certain music or see cars without thinking about him. Even though I am healthy and have moved on, he still haunts me. It isn’t nearly as often as it was and I no longer have panic attacks about it, but every so often the nightmares still come.

I still feel like my story is inconsequential, a minor blurb on the scale of big things out there. But I know that isn’t true. Every day there are women who were or are in the same shoes of being in a relationship that isn’t healthy. Maybe you don’t know you were raped or you thought it was something else. Maybe you have questioned if it is abuse or not. Maybe you have toyed with the idea that you are a victim. I firmly believe that if you even have to wonder, chances are it is. Please know you are not alone.

 No means no.

There are plenty of places to turn for help. If you are struggling, RAINN has a free, confidential, 24/7 sexual assault hotline: 1.800.656.HOPE(4673). RAINN also has an online hotline: https://ohl.rainn.org/online/

Don’t be afraid to speak up. People will listen. People care. I care.