Reflections

This time last year I  had just found out we were expecting our second baby. I was due January 9th and I was over the moon. We were on month 5 of trying to become a family of 4, and neither Nayt and I expected anything other then bringing home a baby that winter. I remember being so excited, mother's day was just around the corner and I had all these crazy plans on how to tell our moms. I remember whispered to Drew that he was going to be a big brother and Nayt was so excited he told people at his work. Then the bleeding started. The first few drops were nothing, but my heart froze. I knew the end was in sight. The next morning was heavy flow and I sobbed sitting in the bathroom telling my baby good bye. I was pregnant for all of a week and a half.

I don't think either of us expected that moment to hurl us into the world of testing, secondary infertility, diabetes and questioning everything that we thought we were. Honestly, between that time and my BFP, I learned so much about not only Naythan but myself as well. Hearing all my health issues was so hard, knowing that all the problems were mine, not his. He held my hand and was my strong tower through the whole thing. We grew closer then ever before.

I read a blog the other day that really hurt, and it breaks my heart that people can think such a thing, but I know they do. Basically she was saying that anyone who tries to get pregnant with a baby under the age of two is selfish and ungrateful. She had a few other choice words, but what it boiled down to is that she didn't understand the heart break that can come with SIF. I have no personal experience with IF, but I see what so many of my beloved friends go through, and it breaks my heart. It isn't fair. It sucks. Each and every one of them will be an amazing mommy when the time comes. I know exactly how blessed I am, and even my short trip into the SIF world was nothing compared to other's.

And yet this blogger's words still cut me to the quick. I still struggle with the guilt of how much we tried to Alynn compared to Drew. I never ever want my son to feel like we didn't love him enough so we tried to have his sister. It was because we love him that I wanted him to have a sibling close to his age to grow up with. I still remember the moment that Dr. Kelly told me that I had PCOS and I didn't need him to explain what that meant to me. I knew. There was a chance our dream of a big family wasn't going to come true. That missing place could continue to be a big gap.

It didn't make to ungrateful for Drew. In fact, I remember going home, holding him and just crying. I never knew what a real blessing that little boy was. How could I take him for granted when on paper work I shouldn't even have him? He was a true miracle. He is so special to me. He still is. I can not imagine me life with out him.

And now with only a couple of weeks until our little girl is born, I feel extremely blessed to be having her. My second miracle baby. I know the moment I hold her and kiss her little cheeks that I will feel that all of this is so beyond worth it. The pain, the guilt, the worry, the stress, the medication and injections. All of it. And like Nayt said last night in bed, our family it finally complete.

I can't wait.