Melt Down

I think the weather and post-holiday slump is getting to my head. In fact, I think it is getting to all of us. Our house has been hit with full fledged cabin fever. It's not like we can go play in the snow since it isn't the fun, "let's make a snow man and sled" snow but the horrible wet nasty stuff. Plus today there is a sub-zero wind. I am longing to take a walk, go to the park or just play outside.

The ice and snow outside

And I think the nasty weather is affecting my emotional and physical self. I suffer from depression, not all the time but enough to say I know what it feels like, and it is ten times worst when I am missing the sun. I am and always will be an Arizona girl when it comes to the sun. It drives Nayt crazy, but I can't close the curtains on sunny days and I need those rays to pull me out of a slump. And I feel like it's been since Christmas since I saw the sun.

I am tired and grumpy, I don't feel like doing anything besides reading blogs, my editing desperately needs to be done, my house is a mess and I have a 1000 word paper AND a quiz in my health care policies class due by Sunday. What have I accomplished so far today? Getting my kids some what dressed for the day, my self out of bed, and having a glass of tea.

I just feel like there is a lot on my mind. I am worried, I feel uneasy, and I feel like I need to sleep because something big is coming. I have to constantly remind myself that God is in control, that he knows the plans and that he is big enough to handle my fears.

I feel like our future is so uncertain right now. I have not felt like this since before Drew was born. I think that is the think with taking risks and why it is so hard. Bi-mart is a solid, constant thing. We know that Nayt has a job, that it pays the bills and that his pay check will be here every 2 weeks. We know his job is secure, that he is good at what he does and that at the end of the day it is secure. The thought of him changing careers, and to a job where there is constant risks, little money, and lots of uncertainty scares me. I can't deny that I feel that this is where God is leading us, even if it does mean I have to return to work. I think it is a better fit for Nayt and that he would be happy, but it is scary. We know that it will still be a while and he is going to make the change slowly with one step at a time, but it is still frightening. I won't lie, it has been weighing on me a lot since getting home from our Christmas vacation.

I am also so unhappy with how I look. I feel like an ugly, frumpy whale. I feel under appreciated, I feel like I could disappear and no one would notice. I know this isn't true, but it's how I feel.

And I am constantly doubting myself as a mom. Lorrie and I got into a full on screaming match last night which lead her to tell me that she doesn't think I am doing the right thing with Drew, that our doctor is a quack, that I am spoiling them and that they are being babied. It hurt, a lot. I bust my butt all day to help Drew and I worry about him even more. I just feel that my kids behave because they WANT to and not because the are SCARED of me. It just shakes me up and I makes me question everything I am doing which isn't really fair.

Being a mom is hard work without having childless 18 year olds thinking they know more about raising your kids than you do. I am not stupid, I am not a kid, and I am a damn good mom. I just question myself sometimes.

I can't wait to hit the range on Saturday to blow off some steam. Mama needs it...