The anticipation is killing

So, I am dying a bit on the inside. We have had some things turning for a while and I am just ready for some yes or no answers.

1.)  We are waiting to see if we move through Naythan's work. This move would be happening in March/April to a place on the ocean shores of Washington.  It would be lovely. We would be able to watch the whales migrate, play in the ocean when ever we wanted, and eventually settle down in a little beach cottage . They have asked him if he is willing to transfer as an assistant manager and he is 1 of 8 for store manager. It would be great for him in the Bi-mart world. We have no clue if this is happening.

• This move would put me closer to my parents (Yay!)
• This job is relatively guaranteed for at least 3 years since it is with his current company.
• This job will make money REALLY tight.
• This is not really what he wants to do for the rest of his life, but he would be happy for about a year. I know my husband.

2.) Nayt has applied to be a reserve police officer here in town. We are anxiously waiting to get a phone call for him to come in for an interview and to be voted in. Because we didn't get the call yesterday or today we should be hearing something on the 12th. Two more weeks of waiting.

• This is a perfect compromise of what he wants to do and what he is doing.
• We live in a save little town that isn't scary.
• He would get a taste of being a police officer.
• They pay for all his training and send him through P.O.S.T.
• It is primarily not paid.
• Not many people know him in town which could hurt or help him,

3.) The newest thing on the table is the Oregon State Police, which is currently taking applications. This is where Nayt truly wants to end up. The question is if the timing is right now or if he should wait for being a reservist, get done with P.O.S.T. and continue working on his BA in criminal justice.

• I want to live in Oregon. This is purely selfish. I love it there. like adore. We just don't get total control of where they station him, though they do try to stay in our top 3 choices.  
• This is his dream job and what he really wants to do.
• This job is a huge risk.
• He gets paid more. But he is gone more.
• He would have to go through cadet school in Salem while I am still in Idaho. Lame. 10 weeks of me and the kids sounds a bit rough.
• It is jumping right into law enforcement without getting his feet wet first.
• This job is much scarier and there is no guarantee. .

So, this is what has been going on for over a month now. I am going a bit insane. It would be one thing if these paths were all the same but they are very different realities that can change our lives dramatically. And we have talked till we are blue in the face about what we want. We are both scared, unsure and confused of what to do. In a perfect world, he would get to experience being a reserve while here for another 6-12 months, get certified as a peace officer and transfer to stare patrol. But, what knows if that is going to happen.

His fear is that he is a father who is responsible for a family, and is moving careers worth it?

I love him for that fear.

I personally don't know what I want either though. I want him happy. That would make me happy. I don't want him to feel I am pushing this new thing on him. I am not scared of the change, of being married to a man who tracks down bad guys all day. I know my man is strong enough to handle it, and I am strong enough to handle him. I know our marriage is strong. I know he is brave and I have faith that if this is the path God wants us to go down than we are both strong enough to face it, together.  I am strong enough to raise our kids, to manage our house and deal with the long hours. He is gone 12 hour days right now. He doesn't get holidays or birthdays off now. That would be nothing new. That doesn't scare me.

Him doing something because it is what I want and not him scares me. Him living his life settling for something because he has to scares me. I am scared of having to choose what to do. I am scared of God continuing to tell us "Just wait".

I am tired of waiting. I am scared of what ifs. I just wish you could fast foreword for just a minute to see where you are in life. Or at least get a preview with a good voice over. "In an ordinary town lives an extraordinary man..." If only.

Waiting is hard. Unknowns suck. I am so over it.