life is hard sometimes

The last two months have felt like a roller coaster of highs, lows and head aches. At this moment, I feel like life is kicking me in the gut and I can't seem to pull myself back up. Amazing how when it rains it pours. And today it is a freaking thunderstorm.

Allow me to break down the last 53 days.

I got a job! I was so excited and proud of myself. The job was highly competitive and I couldn't believe I was smart enough to get it. It was a once in a life time chance and I was going to rock it.

I was fired from this job on Monday. Not because I wasn't good at it, because I was, but because I couldn't seem to pass the stupid after shift quizzes that everyone else seemed to pass. I have never been fired and I have never not done well at something. I basically landed flat on my proud face, and I have never felt so low in my life. Regardless of the fact that the company and I were already rocky because apparently working changing shifts with 2 little kids at home isn't easy.

So while I was studying for these stupid tests, I failed my latest college course, which in turn messed up my whole entire financial aid for the next 5 months. Awesome. Great. There goes my 4.0 gpa. I found out all of this today.

Yesterday, we met with Drew's new doctor today. I really like him and I love that he took all my concerns about Drew seriously. But he did say that we should look at getting him re-test for autism because he doesn't believe that the diagnoses we have are accurate.  He was also incredibly concerned with Drew's behavior and told us that if we wanted to see a therapist he would get us into one to help us deal with the behavior. He also said he would happily refer us to Seattle Children's when ever we are ready.It was discouraging and more of the same. This is following a week that has been really rough for my sweet little boy. Even Nayt has been seeing signs of something going on, and that is not a good thing.

I guess all of that to say I feel beaten and defeated today. I feel like I am a loser. I feel weak. I feel like I need to wave the white flag and just give up. I won't. But I really want too. Like really really want too. Why is life so gosh dang hard.

At least the tiny squeeze of lemon-aid I can make from all the pile of lemons this week is I am learning what is important to me. School is a priority. If my tiny stint in the ER and Hospital taught me anything, it was that I love working in the hospital. I adore working with the doctors. I saw a small glimmer of the future I want and I know what I want when I grow up. I also learned that I have a breaking point and that I can't be taking on to much. I fall apart. It's not fair to my kids, my husband, my house, my life to fall apart. I will remember that when I wake up tomorrow. I will remember I am not a loser. I am not worthless, and that all of this taught me a big lesson about myself and life.

But.. today life sucks.