Depression and Faith

Back when I lived in Arizona, we had a thing we called Haboobs. They are these big, massive dust storms that sweep in off the desert, and once they hit, the skies grow gray, it's hard to breathe, and it imposible to see the end of. The first time I saw a real haboob, I was out at softball practice. The sky was sunny, there was a slight breeze to counteract the blazing hot summer weather in Glendale, but nothing that would warn you that a massive wall of dust was crushing down upon you. When suddenly, someone yelled "LOOK!". We all turned to see from the south of us, a fast moving wall of sand. It was like the sky and the sand had created a monster, whose sole purpose of destruction. Practice was cut short as we all rushed to the safety of our cars, but not before we all got mouth fulls of fine, Arizona sand in our eyes, mouths, and skin. It felt like sharp pieces of glass with how fast the wind was blowing. Then the once sunny skies were darkened by a gray/brown haze. It was impossible to see anything. We couldn't move. The only thing we could do was wait. And wait. And wait. Eventually, the wind slowed down. It felt like it had been hours, but it has only been a few minutes. The world around you was changed. What once was a semi-green softball field looked like a sandbox. It was the same, but different. For me, that is what depression is. It is a cloud that comes out of nowhere, crushes down on me, turns my world dark while I wait it out, and eventually when I feel better life looks the same yet different.

I have never been one to shy away from the deeper, darker parts of being a human or hide key things that make me, me. Pretty sure I talked about depression and my struggles with it once or twice here before, but I have been dealing and thinking about it for a while lately. Certain things have brought the subject crashing into center stage, and I think there are some things that need to be said on the topic. As I get older, I think different things stand out for me. Such as triggers to my depression, what depression is, and how to manage it.

Even looking back in my old journals I see a pattern of seasonal depression. Times where I want nothing more than to crawl into bed and just lay there. Let the world pass me by. As a mom, it is easy to brush these feelings off as "Being worn out" or "being tired". I did that for years. But that doesn't explain the empty  feeling in the pit of your stomach or the feeling like you have nothing to give the world. Being "tired" does not explain the will power it takes to shower, face the world and be a functioning person. Not when laying in your bed feels better, when staring at the ceiling for hours is the only thing your body wants you to do. Being "exhausted" doesn't explain the feeling like the whole world is crushing in on you, and you debate about either running to escape being crushed or allowing the weight to land on you, praying it will crush you enough to feel alive again.

I am so thankful for my life. I wouldn't trade it for the world. I have an amazing husband, two beautiful kids, a home, all my needs provided, and a hope for the future. I believe in God, salvation, and I have faith in his will. But I also firmly believe that being a Christian does not automatically make you immune to depression.

Sure, there can be a level of depression that may come from lack of hope, conviction over sins, outside forces or not sleeping enough. And while this may be true, it is important to remember that not all people suffering from depression are suffering in their relationship with God. And to assume that is not only naive, but unhealthy for the person suffering. Pray for them, pray with them and encourage them, but understand that there are some struggles in life that may need outside help.

Growing up, depression and anxiety was treated with prayer, counseling with a pastor, and "getting over it". It wasn't until I was older that I realized depression was also an actual medically proven hormone imbalance. There is nothing worse than feeling like you are being criticised because you are depressed and your faith is lacking. It is like pouring salt into an already aching sore. An article I read states it better than I ever could:
" To seek such treatment does not denote a lack of faith, but rather evidence of a willingness to take advantage of what God has made available to us through modern science."  Seeking medical help is not admitting failure or that you don't believe God has a plan, it just means you are wise enough to know the difference.

When I am struggling, it is easy to get lost in the fog. My senior year of high school I thought about killing myself, and counseling with my then pastor only made the pain worst. It wasn't until my awesome aunt told me about her struggles and encouraged me to see a doctor. At that time, I needed serious medical help. I was prescribed prozac which I took for almost a year. I needed the help to escape. Retrospect I needed help after I had drew. I suffered from terrible postpartum depression, coupled with a loss and fertility issues. I countered it with alcohol.  In Idaho, I dealt with depression by working out and going to church. It was better. I wasn't living in a black hole, but I still struggled. And for a long time, I let the guilt of my struggle with depression eat at me. I felt guilty, like I was doing something wrong, and that God was judging me which only made things worst. Now, I know better. Now, I rest in the fact that God is by my side regardless of my feelings.

Here, I feel myself slipping. I am doing all the "tricks" to keep from crawling into my bed. I am working out, eating right, studying my bible, praying, keeping my house organized, changed my hair and taking vitamin D. Yet I still feel like I am out running a haboob. I still feel like I am one stumble away from going from "blues and down in the dumps" to full on "depressed." I know a lot of my problem is I am lonely. I am so very lonely. Nayt works a lot of hours, my family is still a few hours away, we don't have a 2nd car which makes getting away hard.

And being a parent of a special needs child is hard. Its time consuming. From the moment I wake up to the moment I lay down, I am on. I am dealing with his needs. Weathering the storms of his tantrums, explaining things in ways to keep him level and calm. It's exhausting. And I do it mostly on my own since my husband works crazy hours. My kid wakes up before the sun, and sleeps after it has gone down, and he doesn't nap. I don't get any time to focus on me.

My faith is no less strong. I have hope and joy in the fact that I have a savior that loves me. I don't doubt my worth, I don't distrust that there is a purpose and plan. But much like my blood sugars, there is something wrong with me. And I am ok with that. I can call a spade a spade, I know I deal with depression. And I know without a doubt it doesn't make me a subpar believer, but a normal human with normal human problems.

So, regardless of your beliefs, please know you are not alone. Being lost in a season of depression is scary. It is confusing, lonely, and dark. You are not alone. More people than you realize struggle with the same demons. Seek help, do what you need to in order to weather the storm and have faith that eventually the fog will lift and life is waiting for you on the other side.

You are not alone.