Seasons

Life has a funny way of moving. I can't help but feel like my life is entering into a new and exciting stage. I love it. My kids are getting bigger and more independent. I am thinking about going back to work. My siblings are now adults. I am no longer a bright eyed 20 year old bride. I feel old. And I am embracing this new stage of my life. We are the old married couple with "older" kids. And that is ok.

But I am also learning that is is impossible to move on to a new stage in life without naturally having to say good bye to an old part. And that is painful and beautiful all in one. For me, the hardest part is saying good bye to friendships. Perhaps I am more sensitive because it has been made incredible obvious that someone I loved and held dear is living a different life than me and that there is a chance that there is no room for them in my new life. Which is ok, but it still hurts and my heart still aches. I am investing my time and energy in different areas which is resulting in a new beautiful relationship.

But it's ok. Life moves on and the ebb and flow is what makes it so beautiful. What's the saying, don't cry because its over, laugh because it happened?

Only it isn't that easy. When you feel that someone is so ingrained into your memory it is hard to not feel betrayed. They are in your pictures. Apart of your family. Your life. And when that break isn't clean and you feel like you have been cast off like a piece of garbage and blocked from that persons life makes it all harder.  Like they just stopped caring and the years of friendship mean nothing. That all the time, the late night conversations, the daily phone calls mean nothing. It makes you feel like I really didn't mean that much to you and I am done with being in relationships that are one sided like that. Breaking up with friends is hard. And I hate it. I know it is apart of the new season and I embrace the new season but can I still mourn the old?

My heart is so heavy today.

In fact, the words of this song better describe my feeling today because I can't put it into words

I've heard it said,
That people come into our lives
For a reason
Bringing something we must learn.
And we are lead to those
Who help us most to grow if we let them.
And we help them in return.
Well, I don't know if I believe that's true
But I know I'm who I am today
Because I knew you.
Like a comet pulled from orbit
As it passes a sun,
Like a stream that meets a boulder
Halfway through the wood.
Who can say if I've been changed for the better
But because I knew you.
I have been changed for good.
It well may be
That we will never meet again
In this lifetime.
So, let me say before we part:
So much of me
Is made of what I learned from you.
You'll be with me
Like a handprint on my heart.
And now whatever way our stories end
I know you'll have rewritten mine
By being my friend.
And just to clear the air
I ask forgiveness
For the things I've done,
You blamed me for.
But then,
I guess,
We know there's blame to share.
Who can say if I've been changed for the better.
I do believe I have been changed for the better.